Friday, October 07, 2016

Devon McCormack’s Perv with a Pen… Owning Hills! Includes Giveaway.

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Owning Hills!

by

Devon McCormack

I jog around Piedmont Park three to four times a week. However, if I’m at a bar and someone asks me how many times I jog, I’ll probably lie and say five or six. They don’t need to know how many times I jog! But the moment I say that, they immediately size me up, giving me that skeptical look like, “You don’t fucking do that.” Whatever. Haters gonna hate.

There’s a stretch in my jog where I run as fast as I can before I get to this steep hill, which I usually just walk up. It’s fucking hard, so I’m not going to run that! The other day, I was totally owning this stretch…just tearing it up, totally feeling like, Damn, I’m giving this my 100%. The fact that Atlanta Pride is happening as you’re reading this certainly had nothing to do with why I was giving this my all, desperately trying to burn off some carbs that I ate back in 2003. But I just threw myself into this run. My legs burned. Sweat dripped off of my chin. My heart felt like it was a baby Xenomorph from the Alien movies about to fucking pop out of my chest. I was really proud of myself, but by the time I was a few yards away from the aforementioned hill, I was ready to let my body shut down. Maybe even take a few minutes to breathe before I kept walking.

So there I was, sweating, panting…dying…when I saw my friend…we’ll call him Herbert for anonymity and because I think it’s funny. Herbert was heading to the hill from a different path. He’s the kind of guy who’s always doing a 5K or 10K or 2,000K…whatever-the-fuck Ks there are, he’s doing them. He does so many of these things that one time I was in another city to support a friend who was running a half marathon, and Herbert just happened to be there. That’s how in shape this guy is. I hate him. I wish he was an asshole so that I had a good reason for hating him, but he’s actually a really nice guy and so is his boyfriend, so screw both of them!

So I was running near my max when I saw Herbert, sprinting along fairly effortlessly. I thought I should at least say hey, so I of course, had to run a little faster, and then I just shouted out, “Hey!”

I assumed he would turn, wave, and move along. Instead, he slowed his pace and started running alongside me.

I thought, What the fuck are you doing? I can’t fucking keep up with this!

Then he looked at the hill and back at me. He had that expression like, “You’re not going to run up this hill. You look like you’re about to die right now.” (Because I was about to fucking die right then!)

Here’s the problem. Whenever I encounter someone who is fitter or more athletic than myself, my golden rule is, “Don’t let them intimidate you.” And you know what, maybe after you read this, you might think, “That’s unreasonable.” That’s incredibly likely. Maybe someday I’ll get this exorcised out of my psyche by a therapist and/or hypnotist…sometime in the distant future when I have enough money to pay for that kind of shit. But by then, I’ll probably be paying for someone else to run for me.

The important thing to take away from all this is that I wasn’t going to stop running. I was going to show him that I was perfectly capable of keeping up with him.

This sort of thinking totally winds up not humiliating or injuring me 10% of the time.

So of course, I just kept on jogging right up this hill.

As we made our ascent…

HERBERT: I’m training for the Thanksgiving Day Half Marathon.

ME: Really?

HERBERT: Yeah. Just signed up the other day, and this morning, figured I should probably start training.

ME (struggling to breathe): Oh…wow…Yeah, you should definitely…start…training for a half…that’s…six weeks…away.

HERBERT: Well, you know I do these things all the time.

ME: That’s…cool…

By this point, my face and legs were on fire, and it’s likely he thought I needed an ambulance because I was hyperventilating so much.

As we came to this fork in the hill that leads in two different directions…

HERBERT: Well, I’m going this way.

ME: Oh, I’m going (this opposite direction of you, so I can breathe again).

HERBERT: Cool, see you later.

ME: See…ya…

As we parted ways, I jogged behind a couple of full bushes that kept him from being able to see me. I leaned forward, coughing, gasping for air, praying for God to take me (because I just couldn’t go on).

I’m like 96% sure he could hear me, so he’s going to go home and tell his bf about it:

HERBERT: Devon did this weird thing today. He was totally out of breath and trying to keep up with me on his jog. I seriously thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. What a fucking weirdo?

BF: That’s the guy that’s in porn, right?

HERBERT: Something like that…

I know what you’re probably thinking after reading that. Well maybe just, “Did Devon do porn?” No, you’re missing the point! Well, maybe a little porn, but no, you’re missing the point. (Seriously, though, just so that no one spends any time trying to hunt it down, I’m gonna let you know that you won’t find anything unless you have access to my bf’s iPhone. The previous instance is mentioned because there does seem to be some confusion among a few people in my building who mistake my writing erotica for me being a pornographic actuer. But now we’re getting to a situation of the lady protesting too much, so search away!)

But the other thing that you’re thinking after reading that is, Why the fuck did you tell that story?

That’s a very good question. I could say it’s this really important lesson about jogging at your own pace and not wasting your time trying to impress other people who are doing better than you. Ooo, that sounds really deep and profound. But really, the only lesson here worth mentioning is, Fuck yeah, I totally owned that hill!

I didn’t think I could do that, but I did. And you never know what you can accomplish until you decide to do something crazy and out of character. That said, let’s go out into the world with our fucked up priorities and own some hills! Why fix our neuroses when our crazy is the very thing that might take us further in life than we ever thought possible?

See you guys next time,

Devon

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Meet Devon McCormack

11138153_1593415330904492_829124014577912187_nDevon McCormack spends most of his time hiding in his lair, adventuring in paranormal worlds with his island of misfit characters. A good ole Southern boy, McCormack grew up in the Georgian suburbs with his two younger brothers and an older sister. At a very young age, he spun tales the old fashioned way, lying to anyone and everyone he encountered. He claimed he was an orphan. He claimed to be a king from another planet. He claimed to have supernatural powers. He has since harnessed this penchant for tall tales by crafting whole worlds where he can live out whatever fantasy he chooses.

A gay man himself, McCormack focuses on gay male characters, adding to the immense body of literature that chooses to represent and advocate gay men's presence in media. His body of work ranges from erotica to young adult, so readers should check the synopses of his books before purchasing so that they know what they're getting into.

BLOG | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | GOODREADS | HARMONY INK PRESS | WILDE CITY PRESS |

DEVON’S AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

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Giveaway

Each week, on our Author Column posts we will gift to one lucky commenter, a Kindle eBook from your TBR list.

Please leave your email address with your comment so we can contact you.

Good Luck!

41 comments:

  1. >> Why fix our neuroses when our crazy is the very thing that might take us further in life than we ever thought possible? <<

    Totally great life lesson!! Sometimes people look at me strangely because I travel solo (an Asian girl who travels solo, it's NOT really weird, people, come on!). But I've enjoyed doing it, got lost at one time in China, and with all my Tarzan signs I made it to Great Wall and it was incredible experience :)

    amie_07(at)yahoo(dot)com

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    1. Hi Ami,

      Thanks for stopping by. You had me rotfl at "Tarzan signs." Just glad you made it to the Great Wall. And so glad that you're willing to travel solo regardless of what others think. You gotta make your dreams come true, and you're clearly doing that. Thanks for sharing that. Made my day! :)

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  2. LOL! I can relate to that feeling easily... You see, I jog as well, but I'm in my middle forties and started jogging some eight years ago when I quit smoking, so I take my jogging really easy (five to six miles three times a week, at a very comfortable pace). So I was jogging in a park by the river when here comes this ex-student of mine, all the 6'3 feet of nineteen years old mann in his prime (did I mention that I'm 5'2 feet?). Anyway he decides he'll jog with me, while of course keeping a conversation going... Something I'll never be able to do (that's why I jog on my own). Anyway, my survival instincts are way more intense than yours, because it took only a couple of minutes for me to tell him to go on without me, and take his bloody youth and stamina with him... Sometimes you have to be demean yourself to survive... and be proud of it! LOL! ;)

    susanaperez7140(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. Hahaha. Oh, then you know all-too-well the way it feels. Lol. Totally agree about ahving to demean yourself to survive. Thanks for sharing that! And thanks for swinging by today. <3

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  3. This has nothingto do with your post, but your bio made my snicker when I read "Georgian", I just saw you in a Regency outfit, the knickers, coat and frilly white "pirate" (Seinfeld reference) shirt.

    acm05atjuno.com

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  4. Always enjoy your posts Devon!
    I do think we need pushing beyond our limits - or I do! Too easy to just coast somedays

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    1. Forgot email : littlesuze at hotmail dot com

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  5. Here’s the problem. Whenever I encounter someone who is fitter or more athletic than myself, my golden rule is, “Don’t let them intimidate you.”

    Thank you Lord for not giving women this golden rule!

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    1. Lmao. Love it, Diane. ;) Thanks for swinging by today and checking out the post.

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  6. Devon, your columns are the funniest by far. I'm laughing so hard right now! Thanks for that, xoxo!
    serena91291@gmail.com

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    1. No problem, Serena. Always happy to give people a good laugh...even if it's at my expense. Lmao! Thank you so much for checking out the column today. Always great hearing from you. <3

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  7. "That’s the guy that’s in porn, right?... I know what you’re probably thinking after reading that. Well maybe just, “Did Devon do porn?” No, you’re missing the point!" Lost it. Totally lost it. Looking forward to checking this out.

    AuthorCaseyWolfe[at]gmail[dot]com

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    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Casey. So glad you enjoyed the post. :)

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  8. Always enjoy your blogs, I'm more inclined to take a taxi up the hill!! lol But I totally get the sentiment, alas after 10 mins on a treadmill I'm shot.(i have to wear a brace on my right after a car accident yrs ago, kinda screwed up my ankle)BUT still wouldn't stop me from trying to keep up with a hot guy taking !And awesome for conquering the hill!!, have a Happy Pride.

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    1. Thanks so much, jazme. So sorry to hear about your car accident. But you gotta keep up with those hotties. Hahaha. ;) Thanks for swinging by to check out the post.

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  9. love the blog post today...devon you always make me smile
    jmarinich33@aol.com

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  10. I couldn't help thinking of Herbert Birdsfoot (old-school Muppet with geeky glasses) and Herbert Viola (Curtis Armstrong's MOONLIGHTING character) as possible running partners for you. Either sounds strangely plausible!

    Trix, vitajex(At)aol(Dot)com

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    1. Trix, I love Moonlighting! Used to watch it all the time. Lol. I think I'd go with the Muppet because I think Curtis Armstrong would start to get on my nerves. Hahaha. Thanks for the comment and for checking out the post. :)

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  11. I started running (okay walk-run combo, but still...) back in 2009 and learned really quick not to try and keep up with others. It was an accomplishment for me to start running in the first place, so I just kept adding my own goals (5K, then half marathon, then a full marathon). Virtually no one who meets me would ever in a million years guess that I was a runner, let alone have completed a full marathon...so I let that be the surprise to them rather then me being able to (NOT) keep up with them. I may finish at the back of the pack (I was literally dead last at one race I did), but I still finish just like those faster, more fit people out there ;-)
    moonangel23 at gmail dot com

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    1. Oh, wow, Carra! Congratulations. That is quite a feat. I've done a half, but I have sworn off a full. That is just beyond me. Although, I guess if I run into a hottie and he's like, "I'm about to do a full marathon...can you not do one?" I'd be like, "Of course I can," and then have to show him. ;) I agree that it's all about finishing, not about how quickly you finish it. Thanks for commenting and sharing! :)

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    2. Congrats, Carra! You are our lucky winner of this month's column by Devon. An email is on its way to you. Happy reading!

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  13. running??? wtf is that?? it sounds nasty and should be avoided at all costs!!!!

    leetee2007(at)hotmail(dot)com

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    1. Lee Todd, hahaha. It's awful, and I agree. You should avoid it at all costs. I only do it because I'm a masochist. Thanks for the comment. ;)

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  14. This was a funny post and I enjoyed it so much. Thanks
    debby236 at gmail dot com

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  15. OMGs! That was funny as hell! Hahaha! But then again, so is all the shit you post on FB. Gotta love ya. Never change, never stop conquering those hills and always keep on keeping!
    GiveARose
    taina1959 @ yahoo.com

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  16. LOL, omg your posts are always so funny. I don't jog for the very reason you mentioned and experienced in the post. Walking is more my style and it's so much less painful.
    humhumbum AT yahoo DOT com

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    1. Agreed about walking. And I hear that you burn pretty much the same amount of calories, so the only thing you're really saving is time. I like punishing my body, though, which is the reason I exercise at all. Lol. Thanks for the comment!

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  17. Such a fun post thank you.

    marypres(AT)gmail(DOT)com

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  18. Your posts are just the funniest. They always brighten my day. Oh and by the way some pics of you and thd bf would be very much appreciated lol... just love you heaps

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    1. Lol. Thanks, Pattiecake62! Everyone seems to be needing the couple pics these days. Your suggestion is duly noted. ;) Thanks for checking out the post and commenting.

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  19. Great post it really made my day and also a good reason for never jogging!

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    1. ShirleyAnn, if you ever run out of good reasons never to jog, just message me, and I'll give you plenty. ;) Thanks for the comment!

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  20. Running? What is the running thing you've posted about? Does not compute. Anyway glad you didn't die on the hill. Thanks for another very entertaining post!
    legacylandlisa(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. Lmao. Too true, Lisa. Thanks for commenting and checking on the post. <3

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  21. LOL - thanks for the post. I did that running with someone fitter thing once...with a friend who runs marathons and we were one a business trip together. She asked if I want to do a "light jog" with her instead of the elliptical machine in the hotel gym (which is what I would usually do...with a book to read). And, I hate running, but of course I went with her. And almost puked about 20 minutes in. Now, I really don't care what other people think of me and do my own thing.

    jen(dot)f(at)mac(dot)com

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  22. LMFAO--great post. Totally understand the "competitive nature vs. what I'm really capable of" thing. I'm always several steps behind the rest of the pack, and that damn hill would have owned ME, even with my best efforts. Although you had to duck behind a bush to *huff & puff* after your friend's departure, you still kicked that hill's ass. (And proved to yourself that you could!) :)

    mztikicat@gmail.com

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