Friday, June 03, 2016

Devon McCormack’s Perv with a Pen… We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off to Have a Good Time. Includes Giveaway

PWP_thumb1

pink-divider-1_thumb2_thumb1

We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off to Have a Good Time

by

Devon McCormack

What a crock of shit that title is, right? Good song, but come on…

A part of me feels like, since I have a young adult novel coming out in July, I should be super-PG-13 in this post. Use it as a promo for the new book. But fuck that noise. Who do I think I am? Stephanie Meyer? And this column is titled “Perv with a Pen,” so why should I hold anything back? Is my mother going to read this? (*waves to Mom*)

I’m always fascinated with how sexual experimentation is neglected or glossed over in so many novels for teens, especially considering how much of my high school experience revolved around Tim. Who is Tim, you ask? He was a boy in my high school who I had a little crush on, but most importantly, he was a pillow I’d nicknamed. This pillow and I had a very serious and intensely sexual relationship from freshmen year of high school to my sophomore year of college—after which I found I didn’t need Tim to help me climax anymore.

He was a good fake boyfriend, being that he was everything I imagined him to be, ready for sex all the time, and loyal to a fault. There was this vertical striped brown and white t-shirt that I loved to dress him in because it was tight and made him look like he was shaped like a real guy. And then I’d put boxers around the base of the pillow sleeve.

Every time was our first time. I’d be very sneaky with how I slowly removed his clothes as I made out with him, groping his impressive body with a feverish passion that would later be reserved for…well…real people. We would watch MTV’s Undressed together.

Sometimes, when I think about that Canadian series that had plenty of homosexual subplots that assisted me on my path to discovering my sexual orientation, I remember how many times Tim and I enjoyed our imaginary passion. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, whispering how much I loved him into the area where his ear would have hypothetically been. Around the same time, I had an obsession with the film The Silence of the Lambs, and after doing some research on serial killers and discovering they had unnaturally high libidos, I worried that jerking off to Undressed until 4AM was somehow an indication that I was heading along a dark and dangerous path. I also had this paranoia that my mother knew what I was up to and was eagerly waiting to catch me in the act. To keep her from discovering my crime, I would position myself just right on the bed, so if I saw her trying to unlock the door to my room, I would be able to toss Tim into the closet and act like I was being a perfectly normally teenager (which I would later learn was exactly what I was doing). Of course, there were other ways she could have found me out. The white t-shirt that I used to clean up my mess afterward—one I didn’t throw away or wash for far too long—certainly was just a big red “I’m masturbating constantly” flag. I used to imagine she’d come running downstairs one day, waving it over her head. With wide eyes and gnashing teeth, she’d scream at me, “Look what you did, you dirty dirty boy.”

As I write this, I feel like I owe my mother an apology:

Dear Mom,

Sorry for thinking that you were a deranged psychopath who wanted nothing more than to make your child feel guilty about being a human being. I think I mistook you for Carrie’s mother. Perhaps because I watched that movie so many times.

xoxo

Devon

I’m not sure that I can say that my pillow boyfriend or MTV’s Undressed were the most bizarre parts of my sexual exploration, though. Perhaps it was hiding the cutouts of JC Penney’s catalog underwear models between my mattress and box spring. Or recording the blurry image of what my TV could pick up of late-night Skinemax movies. Or finding every conceivable way of Googling “sexy men” without having to use those words so I could say that I accidentally stumbled across whatever pornography I happened upon. Of course, in hindsight, I’m sure my father, who worked in IT when I was growing up, must have gotten tired of deleting the browsing history during that brief period in my life when I didn’t even know what the fuck an internet history was:

“hot surfers”                                           “romance novel covers”

image    image

“Jeff Goldblum”                                    “98 Degrees poster”

image    image

We’ve never discussed it, but I’m sure Dad got more than a few chuckles as he weeded through the browsing history. But that guy deserved to be a little inconvenienced, especially considering the poor sex talk he delivered when I started inquiring about the no-no thing, which I would obviously later discover is the yes-yes thing.

I admit that the sex talk must be difficult for any parent, but lemme break this down for you. There I was, wide eyed and eager to receive universal wisdom from my father about what I would one day discover was the reason why the world was utterly caught up in its obsession with sex and debauchery.

He glanced around my room uneasily. Since I was the oldest of my brothers, it was the first time he needed to offer this talk. Of course, being that he had to act very in control of the situation, he played it cool.

DAD: Well, Devon, you just get this very special feeling. And when you are with a girl, then you get another special feeling and then it happens.

ME: Oh.

DAD: Make sense?

ME: Yeah.

What the fuck, Dad? Seriously? Yeah, that would make sense if it was even remotely true. Let me tell you about what the first time was really like.

At thirteen, I’d saved up my allowance for two years to purchase a TV for my bedroom (something that would later play a vital role during these formative years of exploration – refer back to MTV’s Undressed). I’d realized for a while that my cock was up to no good. While sitting in class, I’d have to shift around in my desk and try to move that inconvenient bugger every time it’d raise its interest. I didn’t really get what it was responding to. Sometimes, I would be excited about a math test or the way my dick rubbed against my jeans in just the right way. To say that it was related to someone I was attracted to back then would just be a lie because it could have been anything.

One night, I had my TV on Valley Girl, a 1980s film starring a very young and very shirtless Nicholas Cage.

image

I can’t really recall when I started pushing my fully erect dick up against my dresser, but I found that it was a very satisfying feeling, so I did it…again…and again…and again…and again. Keep in mind, this wasn’t the first time I had played with my dick. I’d already discovered that it felt good, so I was just sort of rubbing it against things all the time, thinking that was enough to satisfy the one-eyed serpent. Typically, it was. I would rub it on my mattress or against the wall and then I’d be like, “Well, that was fun.” This night, however, the pressure in my cock—the same sort of pressure I’d already experienced with these other experiments—became more intense. And though the sensation I experienced was painful, it was painful like poison ivy or a mosquito bite. There was something really good about the feeling too. Something that egged me on. I kept going until my face filled with this intense pressure as a wave of sensation exploded through my body. It felt like a powerful burning sensation rippling through me, but I couldn’t keep myself from repeatedly thrusting my pelvis against the dresser until I felt this intense jolt and then to my horror white shit started spewing from the head of my cock. It looked like watered-down Elmer’s glue. And having had such a fucking shitty explanation of what to expect, I didn’t know what the fuck was coming out. It definitely wasn’t blood or piss. Although, for a moment, I was sure that we’d have to rush to the hospital to discover what sort of Linda Blair shit was coming out of me.

And then, as the high settled…as I realized just how good it all really felt, I remember thinking very clearly, “You can’t ever let anyone know what you just did.” Um…which is a little bit of an overreaction when I later discovered that every dude did this. So then I spent years feeling like I was committing some horrible crime by sneaking off to my room and repeatedly jerking myself off. So, Dad, if you happen to be reincarnated, please explain in great detail or with a video what will happen and say it is totally normal to do this by oneself seven to fourteen times a day throughout your adolescence. You’ll be saving your other-life child a lot of grief and unnecessary praying to a God that probably doesn’t give a shit how many times he gets off in a day.

So when it comes to those formative years, I would definitely say that I had to take my clothes off…a lot…to have a good time.

Thanks for checking out the blog post today. And as always, feel free to stalk me and such:

Later, all.

pink-divider-1_thumb2_thumb

Meet Devon McCormack

11138153_1593415330904492_829124014577912187_nDevon McCormack spends most of his time hiding in his lair, adventuring in paranormal worlds with his island of misfit characters. A good ole Southern boy, McCormack grew up in the Georgian suburbs with his two younger brothers and an older sister. At a very young age, he spun tales the old fashioned way, lying to anyone and everyone he encountered. He claimed he was an orphan. He claimed to be a king from another planet. He claimed to have supernatural powers. He has since harnessed this penchant for tall tales by crafting whole worlds where he can live out whatever fantasy he chooses.

A gay man himself, McCormack focuses on gay male characters, adding to the immense body of literature that chooses to represent and advocate gay men's presence in media. His body of work ranges from erotica to young adult, so readers should check the synopses of his books before purchasing so that they know what they're getting into.

BLOG | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | GOODREADS | HARMONY INK PRESS | WILDE CITY PRESS |

DEVON’S AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

pink-divider-1_thumb3_thumb

Giveaway

Each week, on our Author Column posts we will gift to one lucky commenter, a Kindle eBook from your TBR list.

Please leave your email address with your comment so we can contact you.

Good Luck!

::: And the winner is……. Serena S ……. CONGRATULATIONS! :::

51 comments:

  1. Oh my god the endless snickers and snorts reading this post... I had to keep from laughing out loud or people would look at me like I'm crazy!!!
    Thank you for the entertaining post, Devon - as always; this is the kind of boost I'd need to propel the weekend. Stay fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed the post, Dee! Glad someone can appreciate my...unusual ramblings. Hope you have an awesome weekend. :)

      Delete
  2. I loved your post! Thanks for starting my day with a laugh and a chance to win a book.
    tkronenw!@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oops - email typo
      tkronenw1@gmail.com

      Delete
    2. Good luck with the giveaway, and thanks for stopping by to check out the post. :)

      Delete
  3. LOL! I really love your column. I have to remember not to read it at the office, though. It is difficult to explain the sudden bursts of laugh, guffaws and snorts... Today, you've made me remember "that" chat with my mum... Trust me, my mother was much more straightforward than your dad. I think I was horrified of the physics of sex for a long time afterwards...
    toimuharta(at)hotmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I imagine it wouldn't be so bad if someone asked what you were laughing about and you said, "Just a little cute story about a boy and his pillow." Lol. ;) Glad to hear your mother was a little more direct about the mechanics of sex. I'm trying to decide which way winds up being less traumatic.

      Delete
  4. Hi Devon,
    I don't think I ever got THE talk with my parents, I guess european families might be more open than in the US about the whole bees and flowers thing early on and I feel I was always more or less aware of what sex is about... But it sure is less funny to tell ;-)
    Thanks for the monthly good time reading your post!

    foebz (at) hotmail (dot) com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Elle. Glad you're enjoying the column. :) From what I've seen, you Europeans also have much better sex education in general. I remember we had a great program about abstinence at my school, which included a graphic PowerPoint presentation chocked full of pics of venereal diseases. Thanks for stopping by today!

      Delete
  5. some much needed chuckles at the end of my day!
    I can't recall ever getting a talk but as Elle says I think it wasn't so secretive or taboo, even in my day

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Suzi. Glad you enjoyed the post. :)

      Delete
  6. Lol! Can't even imagine having sons ( I have 2 daughters)!!! They'd be appalled if they knew what boys their age were up to all day long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true, Sheila. My mom had 3 boys, so you can imagine... Lol. My poor parents.

      Delete
  7. Very informative. :p And my mother gave a horrible sex talk too! If I hadn't already learned from my dad's porn, I would have been completely clueless!

    It is a pleasure to stalk you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wade, lol. Thank God for your dad's porn. ;) I wish I'd seen some porn before my early experiences. Would have been really helpful.

      Delete
  8. I loved your post. I really could use a laugh this week.
    debby236 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Debby. So glad you enjoyed the post. :)

      Delete
  9. Great column!
    123fair@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. enjoyed the blog today...congrats
    jmarinich33@aol.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my gosh!! Mixed feelings here! I laughed so hard! It was great in that way, but I have two boys. I really don't even want to think about having a teenage boy yet, I still have 5 years. Glad you said Fucking it to PG-13, I needed to laugh.

    Tanyamarieward(@)hotmail(.)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always happy to say fuck it to PG-13, Tanya. Thanks for swinging by today. Glad you enjoyed the rant. Hope you have a good weekend.

      Delete
  12. well....that was informative! lol!!

    leetee2007(at)hotmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lol! Your post sure resurrected a lot of hormonally-charged teenage memories. Thanks smexy! 😉

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So happy I could resurrect some of those memories. ;) Smexy's here for you anytime. Lol.

      Delete
  14. My goodness the things we learn, lol. Thanks for sharing...err...all of that =D The Undress clip is new to me. It seemed like a great show.
    humhumbum AT yahoo DOT com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HB, Undressed was the best! Oh my God, I don't know what my adolescence would have been like without that show. Thanks for stopping by the blog today. :)

      Delete
  15. Well that was informative!!

    marypres(AT)gmail(DOT)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. I always like to be informative. ;) Thanks for reading and commenting on the post!

      Delete
  16. OMG...no wonder I look forward to every one of your posts LOL. I can't even remember the sex talk with my mom. Thanks for another wildly entertaining post!
    moonangel23@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Carra! So glad you enjoyed the post. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. :)

      Delete
  17. This is hysterical! I remember giving the sex talk to my daughter and both sons. Now I'm telling my 13 year old grandson. He gets so grossed out! Now I need to check out some of your books!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many boys you had to explain it to, Michelle. Wow. I'm sure anything you say to them is a lot better than what I got from my dad. Lol. Have a good one. :)

      Delete
  18. I don't know if it was appropriate but I was laughing the whole time I was reading this. XD And something that really got me was the pic of Savage Promise... I have that book in paperback!
    serena91291@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by the blog, Serena. That's hilarious that you have a paperback of Savage Promise. Hahaha. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. :)

      Delete
    2. Congratulations, Serena. You are the lucky winner of this month's author column from Devon. An email is on its way to you. Happy reading!

      Delete
  19. Love the column. My mom avoided the talk by taking me to a presentation on adolescent changes. And I had clear Cinemax while my mom worked the overnight shift.

    alishead1@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by the blog today, Alishea. I'm jealous of the clear Cinemax. Lol. I wish I could have been so lucky. Also, I could have benefited from a good sex presentation. :) Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

      Delete
  20. I loved this post! Thank you so much for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ree Dee! So glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you'll swing by again next month. :)

      Delete
  21. I am an Indonesian, so I never really have sex talk with my parents. Our culture doesn't really involve in talking about sex publicly. I guess I have to thank Internet now to learn about sex *lol*

    amie_07(at)yahoo(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, wow. Thank God for the internet. Maybe it's the way most of us SHOULD learn about sex. ;) Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Ami.

      Delete
  22. Lmfao.... i have 3 sons.... this was such a funny reminder of their teenage years.... 😊

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, God. I can only imagine. I remember when my mother told my brother she had to clean his sheets because of all the "milk stains" on them. She was a trooper. Lol. Thanks for stopping by today, Pattiecake62. :)

      Delete
  23. As always, your column is very entertaining! Thanks for sharing.
    legacylandlisa(at)gmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem, Lisa. Thanks for stopping by. So glad you enjoyed my little rant. Hope you have a great weekend. :)

      Delete
  24. Thanks for another funny column! My parents gave me the "talk" when I was 17(!) - they were really late to the party. And my mom said to me (and my 15 year old brother - yes, at the same time), "So, you know about condoms, right?" And we both said, "Yes," and proceeded to tell her just how much we knew. After a few minutes, she asked us to stop.

    jen(dot)f(at)mac(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  25. Wow, Jen. Your mom was definitely late to that party. Lol. Better late than never, I guess. Nice that you and your bro were picking up some wisdom from the street, though. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  26. That was an awesome column and brought back so many fond memories!! lol Atari was a fave of mine I learned to really love, now if that rubber joystick could only talk!! Seriously though, Reading that brightened my day!Love my dad but that sex non talk also left me to my own devices!! lol

    ReplyDelete